A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!! AND really quite true!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook , so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
Now an excerpt from Osiris' Missimg Part available for $5.25 at:
A sigh escaped Isis’ quivering lips. Unable to detach her gaze from the area that should have harbored Osiris’ fabulous shaft and now displayed a human penis, void of supernatural power, she debated how to reveal the tragedy.
“You’re alive and awake.” To reassure him, she caressed his chest with her open palm and leaned forward to rain kisses over his taut flesh.
Her loving gesture elicited another growl of frustration. With a disgusted grunt, Osiris grabbed her hand and lowered it between his thighs. “This is not my glorious member, my pride. Isis, my godly power is missing. What happened?” His voice curt, his tone impatient, Almighty Osiris scrambled to a sitting position in the wooden coffin. “Where is my own penis?” His thunderous voice echoed across the clouded skies. “Answer me, woman.”
“I wish I knew.” Dejection snaked around her heart. “After Seth trapped you, he killed you, and—”
“My brother killed me?” Osiris sprang to his feet and stepped out of the sarcophagus. His legs wobbled and his knees buckled for a brief instant. Adversity hadn’t affected his beautiful features and superb body.
Long dark hair floated over his shoulders with a few strands shadowing his noble forehead. The balsamic spicy and citrus scents of holy oils used to embalm his body wafted in the warm midday air. His pulse throbbed at the base of his throat, and muscles rippled across his powerful chest.
With a mighty kick, he cracked and splintered his former coffin and hurled it into the river. The energy of his rage grazed her skin. Isis jolted backward and suppressed a smile of relief. He was recovering his strength more quickly than expected. No bruises, scars, or bumps marred his grayish-pale complexion. His tattoo of a golden and green Atef-crown topped by a blue eye still circled his upper arm. Isis had wrapped it in papyrus to protect any fading during his death. She congratulated herself on a successful healing.
“And then he chopped your body into fourteen pieces and flung them all over Egypt. I looked for them—”
“He chopped me into fourteen pieces?” Osiris fisted his hands and ground his teeth, his face flashing with revulsion. The onyx color of his eyes shone with bloody beads. “Wait ’til I get my hands on that lowly scorpion. I’ll—”
“My love, I found thirteen of the pieces.” Resentment boiled in her heart as she assessed Osiris’ human penis. Damn you Seth. I’ll shred your balls with my own nails.
“Only thirteen?” A deep grunt wrenched from Osiris chest.
Isis exhaled and scowled. He hadn’t even thanked her for her monumental effort. “For a full year, I combed the reeds and papyrus along the Nile banks, climbed the rocky hills, and marched through the dunes of the burning desert to search for your body parts. Each time I found a piece, I staged a mock funeral to trick Seth into believing I buried you.” She broke down and covered her face with her hands.
The breeze carried a refreshing aroma of mint and thyme mingled with the sweet fragrance of ripe dates. She inhaled deeply, seeking calm, but her anger escalated to a hissed string of curses directed at her lover’s brother.
“Isis,” Osiris said, shifting tormented eyes toward her. “How did you bring me back to life?”
“A few minutes ago, a wooden raft dropped me off on the shore with your coffin.” She had dragged the heavy box away from the water, thrown her bag under a tree and shed her soaking garments. Choosing her words, she explained how she’d reassembled him like a precious puzzle.
His features warped with pain, fear and fury.
“I think I removed most of the spells that Seth cast upon you,” she added to appease him.
His gaze flitted to his belly and his hand covered the human organ that surely shamed him. “But you never found the fourteenth piece? My male member where my power is stored?”
Typical man, he has been brought back from the dead and all he can think of is his manhood.
“Unfortunately not. But I replaced it with one I took from a dying soldier to make you whole again.”
“Isis?” His eyes widened with horror and dropped to his groin. “It’s human, not godly.”
“It’s the best I could do under the circumstances. But my donor was a giant well endowed. You won’t feel too much difference.”
“Are you comparing this despicable human flesh to my supernatural cock?”
Blurb: When the evil god, Seth, killed his brother, Osiris, cut him into fourteen pieces and spread them over Egypt, Isis, goddess of family, found and reassembled thirteen body parts. She used a human substitute to replace the fourteenth missing part, his male organ, where his godly power is stored.
Love blooms between the charming Osiris and Isis as they fight evil gods and search for the missing member, but can Isis forgive the sins of his past and their unexpected consequences?
